Falling off the Edge (of Reason)

Saturday, August 28
Weight: 148 (I think, was two days ago)
Cigarettes: 0 (cigars chewed on during show: 2)
Cups of herbal, cold-busting tea since Wed: 1,735
Glasses of Airborne remedy since Wed: 2,458

Ughggggggg. Urgghghhhh. Ugh ugh ughgggg. Excuse me, hairball.

Having yet another cup of tea. Sick of tea. Want to graduate back to coffee. Tea is for jerks.

Although, I do think the green tea has been helpful to jump-start weight loss.

Phlegm is plentiful. Sore throat. Scratchy vocal chords. Not a very good way to start the day, when I have two shows ahead of me. Probably will take it easy in the bar. Singing in bar not as important as singing in show. Singing in show, actual job. Singing for tips, virtual job.

Boo.

The Edge of Reason

Thursday, August 26
Weight: 154, Cigarettes: 0 (cigars chewed on during show, hence giving slight nicotine buzz, 2) , Refined Sugar Units: 3 (all chocolate), Last page read of Helen Fielding's, Bridget Jones: the Edge of Reason: 114

Enjoying delightful book very much. Makes one want to write in style of Fielding, or just be Fielding, full stop. Feel akin to Bridget. Wonder if it's time to see therapist twice a week.

Show was insanity last night. Half-hour, John King no where to be found. No one has heard from him all day. Get busy imaging the worst: John wrapped around tree, John laying face down in home after being knocked unconscious by nasty, drug-crazed assailant (probably same bloke who broke in here). Lynne, of course, temporary house manager: Show Must Go On. Cast, Lynne and Tom madly trying to re-cast and re-assign parts of show/vaude so that show can go on. Still imagining John wrapped around tree.

Show laundry is also no where to be found-- with John, of course. Marqui has no dress. Marqui tries on my Eliza dress- WOW! I'm NOT fat! I mean, I am, of course, but it can't be all that bad, if that dress fits Marqui! Kind of. I mean, it's too long, naturally, as am height of German Olympic volleyballer. And a bit baggy in the waist, 3-4 inches... but my GOD, I'm NOT FAT. MY DRESS FITS MARQUI. One tiny good thing came of this evening, I guess. Don't get too excited. John still wrapped around tree. Perspective, keep perspective.

Finally, John calls: stuck in traffic, phone ran out of battery, all is well, on his way. Rest of evening, complete disaster. Can't keep head in the game, everyone's out of their minds. Very fun, enjoyable. Audience small but appreciative. Loved it, tipped well.

Came home, had some tea (and just a little chocolate, just an ounce or two of the good, dark stuff), read more Edge, and went to bed.

Have to go call Warren. I love my honey. Missing him terribly. I can't wait to see him.

Blogging: the anti-drug.

Food is my drug of choice. Late at night, after I get home from the theatre, it's all about NUMBing myself with TV and food. Especially chai mocha almonds from Trader Joe's.

NO MORE! Actually, I have refrained from buying those for weeks, now. Just too big a temptation.

I've put on several pounds since the summer began, so ...the Butt Stops Here. During the day, I'm so smart about food and working out... so this late night eating is over. So, today, I decided: if I find myself heading for the fridge, I'm going to hit the computer and BLOG instead. Or read. For this purpose, I bought "Bridget Jones, the Edge of Reason" today, as well as "Healthy Holidays" by Marilu Henner from the bargain bin-- $8! Very excited. Also, just discovered the color button on the toolbar, here... let the mis-use of color begin.

So the plan is to make myself a cup of tea as soon as I get home from work at night, sit down with my book/s, and wind down that way. I'm also back to counting points. I'd like to get back down below 150 before the contract is over. You know... not have lost too much ground by coming out here! Financial ruin is fine... but popping out of my size 8's... not acceptable.

I'm looking forward to being home, with Warren... but not really psyched about Denver, so much anymore. I talked Joel's ear off today about how annoying the whole theatre-scene is in Denver... and I really feel like maybe Warren and I could do great things in L.A. I'm really hoping that's going to work out, now.

Just saw Thirteen Going on Thirty with Joel-- made me miss NYC. However, I feel rather plucky and young as a result. Jennifer Garner's energy was contagious. Hey, I'm going on thirty!! I don't feel like I'm 29, at all... actually, I feel younger than I did at 23. And happier!

Tomorrow, the boys (Paul L, Billy Breed, Scott and Joel) and I are driving up Highway 1 to Carmel. We're going to stop along the way, do a little hiking, take photos, have dinner in Big Sur, watch the sunset, and then head home. I'm really looking forward to it. YAY! I hope Joel's car games will keep everyone off touchy subjects... for once.

Okay, so, I'm going to go crack open my new book, and then go to bed.

Local Produce and Acceptance.

I love California. The best produce in the world. And Trader Joe's. I hope Warren and I end up moving to CA, next year. It's in the works, it's a big Maybe... but he's got a line on a job with a photo agency in L.A., and if it works out, I'd love to live in a city where enlarging/expanding my career is possible. We shall see what happens.

I have been thinking about my book. I've decided (in light of recent events that I won't go into) that I haven't been hard enough on my characters. Things are too good for them. There is too much "good stuff" going on, thus far. Too much happiness.

I am working on ways to to include some sort of delusion-- characters who are delusional. Not in touch with reality. I want to flush out this idea: One of the characters has this distorted version of the past (and therefore, the present), and through the course of the book, we discover that things are much darker and more complex than he/she is willing to accept.

Acceptance. One of the key points I've been working on in therapy. Acceptance. Things as they are. Billy struggles with this. He meets someone like Scott, he sees that Scott is kind and intelligent and charming... but still, he wants Scott to be different. He refuses to accept Scott as he is. I don't know if Scott accepts others, or not-- hard to tell. I think he may accept those of us who are not Catholic (for being the heathens that we are), but he doesn't accept that there is any other dogma besides Catholicsm. And certainly, certainly, he doesn't accept himself.

Isn't it more Christ-like to accept everyone? Even the hijackers? Even George W. Bush? Even your parents? Even your self?

I constantly have to remind myself to accept. But I think it is a key element in bringing peace to your life. Know your limitations. Is this something I can change? Is this something that needs change? If not, accept it, and move on. A little more Pooh, a little less Tigger.

The Way Things Are.
Another little something I've been working on. The Taoists follow The Tao, or The Way, and their text is the Tao Te Ching, The Way of the Immaculate Way. Immaculate. Perfect. The Perfect Way.

But this isn't your mother's Perfection. This isn't about make-overs or plastic surgery, or muscling things into place. This is not the work of the Will, or the Ego.

No, this Perfection isn't about us. The Tao Te Ching teaches that everything in the universe is already perfect, just the way it is. Everything is way it should be, and in order to find peace as a human being, we must try to allow and be a part of what already is. No alterations are needed. We only need to relax and allow things to happen, in order to have peace. It isn't about removing boulders from the river so that you can have a "smooth ride". No, all we have to do is push off from the riverbank, and then let the river take us along for the ride.

Ironically, what the Musclers and Pushers don't realize is... the smoothest ride is the one we let the river take us on.

I think I'll try to have more acceptance today. Practice is good. Practice Acceptance. And breathing. Breathing is always good, too. Eating, breathing, practicing.

Top Ten Things Different about The Melodrama.

TOP TEN THINGS that are DIFFERENT (better and worse) ABOUT TGAM since I was here in 2000:

1. John & Suzy King (better). They have their bad days, like we all do, but 99% of the time, they are wonderful company managers. They make everyone feel appreciated and taken care of. They are professional and fun to work with onstage, and approachable and understanding offstage. A joy.

2. Costumes (OH so much better). Jim Tanner is the resident costumer; he comes up from LA every now and again, and is AMAZINGly talented (and fun-- we made an instant connection). His designs are BEAUTIFUL-- and in such a small space, having beautiful, well made costumes makes a huge difference in the quality and feel of the show.

3. Housing (better). The old, termite-ridden house was sold, and now there's a new house (and the condo). The new house is in about the same condition as the condo, maybe a little better. The condo has noise issues with the neighbors, I guess, but other than that, no complaints. I'm at the house, and I have NO complaints! No termites, more than one bathroom for four people... it's all good for me. Plus, we have a very nice (and manicured) front porch area, with grass and flowers, etc. It's lovely to sit out with a book or do yoga. A little oasis in the middle of Little Mexico (aka, the Steinbeckian landscape). Plus, it's now free!

4. Security (worse). We had a break-in here at the house, a few weeks ago. They came in through Jim Shine's room, while we were all upstairs in the living room! Very scary. Grabbed his wallet, some DVD's, (left the porn, though), then grabbed Billy's wallet and some other things. Not cool. However, (see bullet #1), John King was all over it, and Jim had locks on his screen door within two days.

5. Money (not better). For all the work you do, all the cleaning up dead nacho cheese and drippy margaritas at ten-thirty at night, patrons thinking you're a waitress, no break inbetween shows on Saturdays, and one-breath orders like: "two large Skinnies, a boot of Sass, four Luckies, a souvenier pail of Doc, and a small Edsel, on the B"... it still isn't enough money. Just not enough money. Just ...having to be apart from Warren, and trying to pay bills at home AND feed myself, and working so hard... nope, just not enough money.

6. My Mazda (better). Ah, my Mazda. My Mazda (Betty) has saved my sanity. I love her. I hope she knows how much I love her. No more bumming rides. I go to beach whenever I want, I can grocery shopping more than once a week... FREEDOM! I know that this isn't really a Melodrama thing, this is a Cara thing... but still ...YEAH!

7. Dressing room talk (worse). In the dressing room, I sit inbetween Billy Breed (Buddhist and king of the disgusting, sexual comment) and an ex-Catholic priest, Scott Herr. Need I say more? Oh, yes, I think I need. They are driving me bonkers. Billy had a bit of a crush on Scott when he first arrived, but that has since worn off... with a vengeance! They passive-agressively argue about EVERYTHING: religion, politics, the media, the length of my hair... you name it, and they'll disagree about it. And if they agree (which is rare) they'll still find a way to fight about it. Separately, I like them both very much. Together, I want to push them out a moving vehicle.

8. Bar Management (better). We have a cool, young bar manager, Paul. I dubbed him "Hot Paul". Cause he is. He's a friend of Shawna's, and while John and Suzy may mutter about him from time to time, I think he's a great addition to the crew. He's good with the patrons, he's not a nut-job, he sings tip songs, and he generally fits right in with all of us gays, queens, divas, freaks, and geeks. Oh, happy day.

9. Half Yards are GONE (better). There were these horrible plastic tubes they used to sell here, with the Melodrama logo on them, and you'd get orders for three or four at a time, full of margaritas. Well, they are GONE GONE GONE! All souveniers are now user-friendly.

10. T-shirts (better). The Melodrama t-shirts are actually cool, now. They have one word on the front (either Villan. or Hero. or Herione., etc) on the front, with the Melodrama logo on the back. Very cool.

And... things that are THE SAME (good/great):
The fabulous (yet king-of-random-tempos) Mark Wanless, solid stage management (Tom Mosher is the SM, very good), Eric Hoit, the weather, Shawna Young, Mark Daniel's wife-beater t-shirts, never have to spend a day in the box office, Gary Adams, Trader Joe's, the Melodrama patrons, fresh produce from the Hayashi fruit stand, Jim Shine (who looks different because he's weight, but he's still the same old Jim Shine), and Jim Shine's performances. ;)