spirituality of the week

My aunt Lee had some minor surgery on this past Friday, and I've been thinking about her alot. Her doctor found a cyst in her... uterus? Ovary? Cervix? Cervix. One of her girl-parts. And they're not sure yet what's up with it, if it's cancerous, or what. So I've been trying to think positive thoughts for her... a prayer, if you will. Praying, I guess. I admit it, I've been praying for her.

She's a recent addition to my life, in a way. We've always been somewhat distant (I think, of her choosing) but in the past year or two, she's opened up to me and we've gotten a little closer. Not terribly close, not best friends close, but certainly I feel closer to her now than ever before.

She's always been troubled, ever since I was a young child I can remember that Aunt Lee just had trouble finding happiness in her life. So ...it makes me angry and sad to think that she has to face this right now. Or ever. But especially right now.

And in thinking about her, and praying for her... I've been wondering what or who it is that I'm praying TO, exactly. And here in CA I'm surrounded by lots of spiritual people (Billy, a Buddhist; Scott, who studied to be a Catholic priest; and a few other former Catholics), and having (for the first time, possibly) many discussions about spirituality and religion. And for the first time in a long time, feeling... well, LOST, in a way. No answers, only more questions: Is there life after this one? Is there a higher power? I've been struggling with these questions on and off for my whole life, since my grandparents died when I was 7 years old.

One part of me wants answers. Another part of me loves the questioning too much. Maybe it would be nice to STOP the wondering, and finally commit myself to some kind of spiritual practice. To finally believe in something other than "the Force" and that Carl Sagan was an awesome man. Something... supernatural, or uber-natural. Pick something and Practice. Taoism, Buddhism, or some personalized version of Catholism... whatever it is, I'd like to find it. I wish I could feel that again, that awe and joy I used to feel when I'd sing in church, as a little girl. I loved God, once. I loved feeling small, but protected. Man, I miss that.

But at 7 years old, the notion that I lived in a safe, just world was shattered. The two people I loved most in the world were taken from me, and it was so FINAL. There was little or no discussion of "seeing them in heaven". All that mattered was that they were no longer HERE, they were no longer LIVING. And our lives (my family's) were poorer, as a result. But no one could comfort me. The finality of their deaths set in, and I started to believe less and less in... God. Until one day I woke up and realized that I didn't know what I believed in... and I've been there ever since.

So... sheesh. Happy 4th of July. I have to run, I wish that I could finish this. Luckily, Billy and I will probably pick up our spirituality discussion on the ride over to John & Suzy's. :) The summer of spiritual questioning has begun!!